Layers of an Asshole

5.8.2017

Bit of a depressive rant today. Strap in.

Most of the relationships in my life are at least somewhat superficial. I wonder if everyone feels like this? I feel as though even the closest people to me know very little of substance. I occasionally reveal bits of my soul, usually through jokes, but I hardly use language to express key parts of myself. Parts I despise, yet desperately want someone to acknowledge.

Which is ridiculous, because I constantly push the people away who get too close.

I push people away that I fear can alter who I am. I don’t like being affected by another human being, which is why my trust lies with a select few. I don’t want anyone to have the power to rip out my heart and shit in the cavity where it came from. I am afraid of being powerless at the hands of another. I’ve been there in the past and I’ve completely pulled back. I’ve hardened. Become jaded. Very few have that ability now.

That sounds a tad dramatic, yeah? Well... it's not gonna get any better today.

I’m not entirely convinced I should be loved.

I’ve been so fucking introspective all my life that it’s caused me to know exactly who I am. Who I am is not the character I reveal to the world. I, am the narrator within my skull that knows all of my positive and negative attributes. I know my hopes, dreams, fears, my regrets, secrets and my demons. And I am 100 percent honest with myself. The version of me that you get is, in some way, a liar. And I most likely think you’re a liar too.

“How's it going?”
“Great!”
“Top-notch!”

I’ve gotten so good at lying to cover up my flaws and real emotions that I can recognize when others do it. It appears everyone is just meandering through life telling each other lies. I see it. I may not see you just as you may not see me, but I see your lies and that’s a start. I can read you.

I recently noticed a friend changing the way they interact with me. The vocabulary has changed. So has eye contact, mood, topics of conversation, physical interactions and other subtleties that appear obvious. I can only speculate as to why the change has occurred, and I have my theories, but it’s beyond strange to observe it as it’s happening. It puts me in a familiar yet weird predicament. If I am to ask honestly what’s going on, I would incidentally reveal to them a part of me I don’t want them to know. For some reason, which makes zero sense, I don’t want them to know I’ve noticed a change and therefore care. I don’t want to show my hand that I can tell they’re lying. I don’t want them to know they have the ability to make me feel vulnerable which would subsequently allow the whole chest cavity shitting situation.

So, what do I do? Act like a healthy human being, ask what prompted a change and accept what may come? -or- Be a fucking coward, harden and reject these feeling of sleight and pretend I don’t give a fuck until it actually becomes true?

You know which one I’m choosing.

And I despise myself for that. I feel so guilty. It’s lonely.

It’s not just friends. I’ve never revealed my inner self with anyone romantically. And I desperately want to. But, every time I feel like there is a possibility to do so I fuck up, or get let down, or find any reason not to. The truly pitiful thing is that I sometimes judge people who fall in love with the version I allow them to see. I create and internal struggle. If I reveal myself, then the charade is gone forever. But I’m not that interesting, I’m not nearly as funny, most of the time I want to be alone and at half the time I can be a real asshole. The charade is how I fit in. So, the question is: Is it worth letting someone, even momentarily, see that inner version of me?

I see me constantly, and I’m not sure it’s worth it.

The version you know is much more bearable to be around. I assure you. This one in my head is self aware and yet self deprecating to a degree that could only be described as "obnoxious".

Anyways.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Hides

Where Is My Mind?

8.9.2016

The page is blank.

Well, I guess it isn’t anymore.

What am I going to write about today?

I can think of a bunch of things that I want to avoid, still.
I can think of a bunch of things I want to say, but probably shouldn’t.

Am I angry today? Am I upset about anything?
I seem to write the best when I’m one of the two. Those emotions seem to give me the extra bit of courage to be honest with myself and exorcise my demons. Or at least give me the ability to rant like a mf'er.

I guess I feel indifferent today. I'm not in the business of souring this indifferent mood. Better keep it light.

I've noticed that if I’m doing too well I start to feel like I’m bragging. You’d think I would want to share positive stories or aspects of my life here, right? I’m still not sure why it’s difficult to write those.
I guess I am constantly aware of how I don’t want to be perceived. Which now that I think about it, probably isn’t the healthiest thing to do.

Whatever.

I know that I don’t want to be viewed as: Arrogant, egotistical, self-centered, selfish...
(Hold on, let me look up more synonyms to drive point home) ...Conceited or haughty.

How do I want to be perceived? I have no fucking clue.

I think a lot of men my age would want to come across as the “dark and mysterious brooding type.” Ha!
If there is one thing that we can all agree on, is that despite my bitching and moaning, I am a true-blue goofball.

I mean, sometimes it seems like all I do is “brood”, just not in that sexy “I’m super serious” way.
It’s more personal and in private. But I do constantly joke about it. It’s no secret that I’ve always been a little moody. It's just not brooding. I cover all that when around other people.

I don’t want to be perceived like that either. I can brood with the best of them, but I constantly hide it. The "cool-guy" persona doesn't fit well with my personality.

It just seems exhausting. How do those dark mysterious types get anything done? Don’t they know how to compartmentalize this shit?

Jesus.
This is getting ridiculous. This page may have offered more when it was blank; it was at least full of potential way back when.

OK, now what?

Well,

I’m not very good at receiving compliments. Yeah! I can talk about that for a little bit.

Thank Christ! There is a topic! It may not be great, but we found one! A topic that is going to be all about me and therefore can be perceived as (choose adjective from the list above)... But goddammit, we found one!

I don’t have a low self-esteem, I just feel strange when receiving compliments. I’m a fairly confident guy in just about everything I do. Sure, I have my insecurities. We all do.
I just hate getting told things that I don’t necessarily agree with when the social norm dictates to not verbalize my disagreement.

Like when a religious person wants to gab about their beliefs and I whole-heartedly disagree, I just let ‘em talk. It would not be socially acceptable if I just started digging through my arsenal of reasons why it’s all bullshit.
(As long as they aren’t trying to convince me to join or believe, that is.)

It makes them happy. That's OK. I don't have to talk about things that only interest me. As much as I would love to be, I’m not the king of every conversation.

But I just try to look at myself as realistically and as honestly as possible. For example, I’m not a great writer. I’m hyper aware of that. I am pretty OK at conveying my thoughts while getting my voice across.
But... Sentence structure? Non-existent these days.
Typoes? Abundant.
Am I capable of delivering a precise and well thought out message? Well, I just started this with, “The page is blank.” and now I'm rambling, so I doubt it.

(No one is accusing me of being a great writer, by the way. I’m using that as an example because it’s right here.)
(Also, I rely heavily on these parentheses.)

When people do give me a compliment, whatever it may be, I immediately start pointing out how or why they are incorrect in my head.
Is that self-deprecation or just being honest with myself? I’d like to think it’s honesty, but more than once I have been accused of being self-deprecating.

I think I straddle a fine line in that department.
Of course, I don’t tell the person complimenting me any of this!
Oh god, is there nothing worse than when someone does that? When someone starts offering up reasons why the compliment shouldn’t have been given it just fucks with the flow of conversation. It puts a bad taste in everyone's mouth. Even if they mean it and they are speaking about their ACTUAL insecurities, it just comes across as fishing for another compliment.
It’s strange.

I just say, “Well thanks!” Followed by complimenting them. It’s a sure fire way to divert the conversation away from myself. I’ve gotten fairly good at it, too.
Is that bad? Who am I talking to? What's this post about? Where is my mind?
I feel like those people who are super confident and sure of themselves tend to be happier. Though, I have to admit, sometimes I judge them if it appears they aren’t aware of their flaws.

I definitely don’t judge the people who are super confident AND aware of their flaws. Especially if they are working on them. That shit inspires me to work on myself.
But, we all have flaws, so it's a little gross when people don't see their own. When someone is horrible at things and just acts as if they aren't, it's really weird. That's a flaw in itself.

One of my favorite things to do is finding other peoples’ flaws. It’s kind of a sick game I play inside my head. I just take note when I observe a flaw in someone.
I do it to everyone: Friends, family, strangers at the bar, people walking down the street, literally everyone.
I don’t think I do it in an asshole way, or even a judgmental way, it’s just the same thing I do with myself... It’s honest.

Or maybe I’m just a miserable cunt and by pointing out others’ flaws I’m subconsciously bringing everyone down to my level?

Wait, what am I taking about again? 

Well, shit.

-Matthew Broods